The following is a brand new poem written for The Meadow, my bdsm themed poetry collection about my time in the world of bdsm as a young woman.  I wrote this piece as well as the Reader’s Guide I published below to enhance your pleasure and understanding of the text.  Order your own Meadow at apeppublications.com.

Underneath 

Before you call yourself a womanchild,

you fly to New York City, college girl 

costumed to be defiled, pigtailed, beguiled 

before a bedtime story, too.  A whirl-

wind trip in which he will present to you 

Red, topsy-turvy, Riding Hood one night,

a wolf beneath skirt hidden from view,

a grandma when you turn it, lift the tight 

bonnet.  Wrinkled visage the girl becomes

but won’t forget him even then.  You will 

lay underneath many men overcome 

by your childish face — not this one who feels

what hides beneath your plaid skirts with peg teeth. 

He is the first to love you underneath. 

A Reader’s Guide to The Meadow:

Last night I kept receiving phone calls in the middle of the night, not any sexy  good ones.  It was a tornado warning that kept ringing me again and again.  So ominous feeling, in the midst of an already ominous time, to be phoned by a computer to say in its robotic tones you are in imminent danger.  Fortunately, the tornado in question never appeared but I was up late listening to lots and lots of lightning and rain in the middle of a pandemic hoping for the best.

Today when I walked outside, the scent of blooming was overpowering to me.  It was the upside of all that drama and danger, the majesty of the reawakening of the soil and the spring.

I immediately thought of my book The Meadow.  The Meadow is a poetry collection of my time in the bdsm scene from the years of nineteen to my early twenties.  (If you haven’t ordered the book yet, it is available from APEP Publications and from my website, for signed and annotated copies.  The book is my journey from an abusive childhood and no bodily autonomy to my decision to pursue my sexual fetish of submission.  The book is divided into two sections Small Town and Sex Object.   The first section of the book details a lot of sexually negative experiences from my past some of which inform my fetishes and all of which are a relevant part of my story.  The Sex Object section is when I was actively pursuing bdsm activities, wandering from an online bdsm chatroom into a virtual traveling circus of sadomasochistic performance.  I also fell in love and got my heart broken.

The reason the smell of the sensual smell of the earth after a storm reminded me of The Meadow is this:  I realized my body is a meadow.  It has been subjected to natural disasters of the genetic and romantic and even criminal kind.  It has weathered torrential storms.  And having been through all of that, when it feels pleasure it is the all the more ecstatic and inviting.   So with this epiphany in mind, thinking of my readers of The Meadow, which is certainly an intense book, I have come up with:

AN AUTHOR’S GUIDE TO READING THE MEADOW:

• First, read the supplementary sonnet above. Oh, wait.  You just did.  So you are more prepared to read a bdsm sexual memoir collection than you think.  “Underneath” I wrote just for this audience who would be preparing to reading The Meadow.   I wanted to give you a gentle image of my second dom and I.  We had those kind of experiences, too.   I also wanted to acknowledge that, while he had a very theatrical half-growl which made even the most innocuous words sound dirty I still can’t erase from my mind, he was not the only wolf in The Meadow.  He saw my bestial side that was like the wolf below the skirt of a Topsy Turvy Little Red Riding Hood Doll.

• Second, when you read Small Town, first I suggest you put on your most cozy socks. It’s a very dark section, and though it’s all about survival, be comfortable and space out some of these poems, if need be, when you read Small Town.  I didn’t live them all at once either. Know this: as I say in  this book’s epigraph, these are stumbles.  These experiences, some consensual, some not, I included to give you context of who I am and from whence I came to The Meadow. I know some of them are hard to read.  I’ve had some concerned DM’s and that speaks to the kindness of the hearts of readers.  I want you to know I’m okay.  I learned a lot about safer, saner, consensual relationships by living through those experiences.  I do believe, though, in the responsibility of telling as full a story as possible laden with the good and the bad, so thank you for surviving this section the way I did.

• Third, before one arrives at the Sex Object section, I suggest you have some of your favorite candies on hand.  I’m a womanchild (even if I didn’t describe myself in that way at this time).  At this time, I had learned that I was a practitioner of ageplay which is essentially the expressing of younger characteristics in sexual and romantic behaviors.  (It’s the bdsm varietal of the word “womanchild” that I use today. The doms I had were daddy doms which meant that while we did practice sadomasochistic behaviors and rituals, there was a lot of tenderness and dolls and candy as well.  The Meadow is full of cinnamon bears and candy bracelets – I’m even sending out candy bracelets to readers who order from my website.  It’s a very sex and candy book so be prepared.

• Fourth, if you feel like an outsider going into this books, know you are not alone. I was an outsider to this world, too. The Meadow is an outsider’s story. When I first traveled to participate in bdsm parties, to meet my second dom, I was barely an adult.  I wanted what I wanted, but I was very inexperienced and naïve.  Suddenly thrust into a polyamorous relationship in addition to the culture of bdsm which has a decorum and rules I knew nothing of, I was a lot like you.  I was learning as I went.  I found things that were incredibly exciting to me, being spanked or whipped in front of a hotel suite of strangers, for example. I found things I didn’t ever want to repeat or experience like many types of pain play and orgasm control. I wasn’t passive in this world. I was actively making mistakes, learning and negotiating what I wanted out of this place. I also fell in love on the “stage” of a public scene of bdsm. I did a lot of new things I never thought I would, and we will explore those together in the safety of a page.  Remember fetishes can be specific and odd to some people,but the desires behind those specifics motivate us all are universal.  There is a lot of pure lust, playfulness and romance, if ultimately failed in this book.

• Fifth, understand that The Meadow is one girl’s story. It’s not meant to be representative of the culture of bdsm as a whole. I knew many people inside this culture who were not abused as a child as I was. I do not see myself as typical in this culture at all. Still, my story is my story and deserves to be told as much as any other story. So if you are a practitioner of bdsm whose backstory wildly diverges from my own, know that I know you exist and I in no way want to take away from anyone else’s experience. I am only seeking to tell my own story.

I hope you will take the journey into The Meadow.  Thanks for
peeking into this world, and I hope you find it is as fascinating as I did, a
fellow once outsider. If you have any questions for me, outsider to once outsider, you can always contact me on Twitter @lolaandjolie and I’ll be happy to discuss. There are storms in the beginning but nothing ever smells as sweet as a blooming meadow after a storm – even in a meadow of paper and sadomasochistic memories.