‘Cause I am not this body
that imprisons me.
-The Mountains Goats, Isaiah 45:23

Cocaine aspect ratio move out I want to see it in full
lonely breakwater, lonely pebblebeach storming
over the underpass like a ghost of a girl knocked by
the wind, cocaine aspect ratio move in to see the detail
on your sullen face, the way your eyes move from
floor, to wall, to door, to garden, to windowpane
to her, to her, to him, to the drinks cabinet, to the bathroom
where you stumbled “Shemale party rio relaxation playlist
5” “should self identifying trans women be on
all-women shortlists????????????” “Well should they?
???????” “Oh you came as, a witch, that’s
nice, you even brought a dress, a fake antisemite nose
with bulbousness, that’s, nice,” “Woman kicked out of
labour Christmas party for her views on

Positions” Positioning

left but identifying with certain aspects of the right do you have
any cocaine, do you have any ketamine no I haven’t
done ketamine yet I’ve been working my way towards it
you know, what’s your opinions on Lily Madigan, I have
some thoughts I want to meet her and tell her she matters
but she should delete her Twitter before it’s too
fucking late. It’s too late for me it isn’t
for her. Here is a shortlist of things I don’t want you to
say to me when I’m the only trans woman at your
university house party: Oh I did
invite another trans person here but she never
showed up. Oh I like the way
your lips look in the light. Oh I have a fetish
for trans girls you know. Let me wear
your beret. No I can’t
justify this. My excuse is that
I am. Stick out like a sore loser on the
bench of a secondary school hockey game
where you hit my thumb with your
stick and took all of the skin off like a week
before exams. Blood on a Physical Education floor
pooling amongst dead skin saying, this has to end
right now this has to end Z*****y this is not
working out how you expected is it you are
not the person you thought you are are you
are you. Are you. Are you.
Are you. I can use
names that don’t mean anything
for effect. Because they fucking
work on you. Pinprick or
suckering the punch to your
neck. Hold out a key
with white powder on the end and push it
into my face without warning the only thing to do is
sniff like a fly has tried to climb inside
your brain to plant maggots to come out
of your baby green eyes baby blue for babies
blue. I hate this song (Come On Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners plays) it
reminds me of being sixteen and being
sexually assaulted can you skip to whatever
is next on this playlist you titled
Party 4. Shemale Rio Relaxation 5…. I found it
on google searching ‘Only Trans Girl
at the Party’ my own old poem that was the
fourth result. Shemale Rio Party
Relaxation Mix

if you click on it it’s a video of like

ten Brazillian trans women of various ages
looking directly into the camera whilst music
plays not from a source in the video but overlaid
as non-diegetic soundscaping puckering
lips to the presumably male cameraman
the video description says Lots of beautiful trannies and like
yes they are but I can’t imagine they like
you talking about us like that you know I mean
you really shouldn’t use those words mate
I know you’re drunk and she’s too anxious to liiiike say this
to you but you can’t say that that’s fucked up dude.
Yeah oh shit I’m sorry. I’m gonna go apologise
No like, that’ll just, I don’t know, she’s fine
Is she? I just want her to know I’m not like that I’m not that kind of
dude like I don’t call her Bruce Jenner anymore but like
Really that’s so like, not even relevant now that was ages ago
yeah but, I don’t, my girlfriend watches the Kardashians and she told me
all about it I came as like a witch I didn’t come as a transvestite
she shouldn’t act so offended She isn’t offended she’s just
a bit upset I’m the one bringing this up like
she wouldn’t even have said anything,
yeah well, Ah fuck. I want another drink.

Come on Eileen. Come on Eileen. Come on Eileen. Come on Eileen. What do
these words make you think of:
egg salad, white rabbit, poetry, dry mouth devoid of
spit, piss missed the toilet bowl again
because you are drunk enough to piss
standing up like a man does, cause I am not this
body, that imprisons me, I can do what
I fucking want so what if I want to piss
liike I used to, I want to, that’s what matters
Right I’m going home fuck you I’m going home this is
too much you for inviting me fuck yes I can
get home safe I know all the tiny routes
where I glow like a luminous fire bug,
I have done this enough times to think this
city at night can still hold some aspect of freedom
for me even if I know that is false
thinking. Wrongthink as you said
I said for. Asking you to use my name. Positioning myself as
a searchlight or as
your tongue. Speaking the words
I want it to. Saying
Get home safe if you have to. Get home safe
if you need to. If you want to. Get home
if you have to. If you need to. If you want to. Go
home when you feel like. Going. Backwards. To when you were
sixteen again, dating a girl for the first time the world
like a delicate sharp flowershell, now you stepped on it both breaking it
and cutting open your foot and I bled on the kitchen floor
again get home go home go home go home Rio
Shemale Party Relaxation Beautiful Trannies In The Sun On The
Beach Bathing And Drinking Cocktails Like There’s No Issues
In This Whole Wide God Damn Stinking Pisstake Of A City.
I came here to not feel like this any more I came here to feel
less like a broken piece of drywall as much but here I am
and here you are, and that’s just how that is
so let’s do what we have to, make it all
shrink into the morning, and open your mouth and open your mouth

Alison Rumfitt is a Rhysling Award-nominated poet who lives, studies and curdles in Brighton, UK. She has been published in Glass Poetry’s ‘Poets Resist’, Strange Horizons, Cahoodaloodaling, Star*line, Eternal Haunted Summer and more. She has appeared at the Hi Zero poetry night where she spilled her drink, and at the Sussex Poetry Festival were she screamed at a man onstage for about five minutes straight. Her work is best paired with port or a vintage red. Find her on Twitter @gothicgarfield.

Image: Double look by Emanuele Toscano (Creative Commons)