th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-

There there there there there there there here on in the wall Onan’s masturbating guiltily again she’s all blacked out out out and up in the clouds cold closing moon’s in the sky I say to her why couldn’t she stay a little longer there’s something in the walls

rrrrrrunning rune ropes thick around the body tight and heavy a storm coming crack open the sky and wait for the apocalypse yes it is coming haven’t you heard and I already made my graving restplace

here now here now here now here now hear me i’m there paralytic and fucked in the basement as the light cracks through schizophrenic mother always told me id end up funny down this path yes and no knowing id believed her at some point going going going gone

there at the field hot and dizzy torturous hour there here hold cold they’re here in the walls

spiked mindspite rejecting floating down own fog silent nauseous

she is here watching over me earth cracking remolding fluid swallow all vomit asks where the books gone swallow mop seasick up out the water out out out out

chewing arm off tasting iron feeling machine mind she mopped up sick under skin sickdrunk again 

door breathing sweating heavy shadow leaks through

teeth squirming to get out of me GET OUT dancing moon bitter earth leaves moves there th-th-th-th there cross out chest rising again she’s coming nowhere to go flit between worlds purgatory

she’s hot and ready willing victim there’s a gift for you slaughterer

shalting haking-ing-ing-ing-ing smashed together open wound gash out all drink over yes I yes I cant killing me keeping unmounted distance preceded yes carnival open halting spread plague kiss over kiss joined at the hip she keeps me plactated and tired doesn’t know i’m going glance glicktch my own corruption mother

 recombined she traps me

fuck swaying drowned complete

here everywhere now like succubus seeping slowly sucking blood my arms emaciated she wont speak now she’s all yours he peaks and crescendos crashes mangled this is it all of it holy guts spilling all over apostates

i cant move

g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g- STAY HERE violator we know your type

cinema of horrors we all watch and laugh yes I’ve strapped you i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-e-e-e-e-e-e-go

cenotaph scrawled over my grave murderer mind she twists me I expire

fucking come and get me already

under the spell yes she cant feel anything at all she pains to struggle to begin to conceive of being good

we’ll leave her where she lies in her own faith

irradiated pink melting from inside she squirms bleached mouth taped over roughly crying

nothing outside but waste

digesting they’re in the walls waiting

hold me close you fuckers i’ll die when you let me

somewhere in russia

she was found dead having cut herself open vocal register shifting as she sliced sold at the nearest opportunity burned the house down around her

she’d had her way with degenerates skulking in the shadows fusing with the streetlight under gunfire back to basins birdbath bloody

rushing staying still

appearances monster masking she floated in the sky SCHIZO

GOING GOING GOING GOING there she is mistaking a rapist for a lover

trawling trolloping over saltwater sinking washing over her clean at last she screamed shielding

bound together by string keeping face together with hair prisonsanctuary sanctus chanting they’re outside

kissing the knife

burning up on the stove eating herself how throbbing hidden hitting bitten lip no fingernails

a ghost chained to a skeleton

ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours ours we’re not letting you go now

warped suit wearing flabby

how can you die like this you slut

fields of blood hot the sun in

she deafened herself a spike in the ears screaming bleeding still hearing

eviscerated emaciated saintly all this christian sacrifice

god is silent

sickly pale streets hammer out nothingness

she stays there watching me THEY’RE IN THE WALLS thousands of them grinning going eating gorging easting surrounding appearing violence leaking under the door like a shadow gore on the floor she slurps it up

they never learned how to be quiet

and that’s why onkyo never lasted

you wonder what utopia’s like, or maybe it’s better to say what kind of utopia we can envision

when I close my eyes I see deserts stretching out every direction

no dunes, no wind, there’s a figure in the distance

it moves as I do

there’s a light in the sky there it is going by

it’s night again she’s following me they’re in the walls

I cant see her but I can paint her

past the shadow there lies a bridge, past the bridge there is eternity, past eternity there is death, past death is anxiety

where have you gone, where have I been

she said to me it’s always been the same here, how have you ever coped with it

here I am bleeding, spewing up lunch

here I am swaying, at one with the water

here I am blocked again by blood

rotating swirling acidified she holds mine I hold her down d-d-d-down

and we kiss – her blood in my mouth

and we kiss – my blood in her mouth

dog end bed sleep rough toss turn can’t run gnash whirl grab gun cant shoot goes through she’s dead it’s you

line?

If only again tck tck

they’re under my skin they’re in the walls

aah yes

I see now

it’s always been that way hasn’t it

you’ve always been that way

back again now she’s you she’s watching us you’re masturbating in the corner yes you Onan yes you Adam yes you Moses yes you Judas yes you Abraham yes you Augustus

car’s broken we’ll have to walk

birds laughing at us

screaming park fields flesh

good

cut arm change mind I SAID NOW

hand on the radiator swaying input

rotten rice downed

she chews it up loaded and spits it into my mouth

wear hat hide face no skin bare flesh melting

wear where

in the desert with closed eyes

festering stomach acid

slut moves away vortex of sand grows

bodies spread across the sky

harsh gero stands awaiting big mouth open

vacuum space they’re in the walls

under the stairs

between the cracks of your fingers

under your eyelids

in the folds of your skin

under your tongue

in your appendix

on the small of your back

in your palm lines

under the ley lines

between the blades of grass

underneath the trees

between tectonic plates

at the site of every earthquake they’re there

watching

politic dress aesthetic

site blast births unself

at the corners of she 

desert

the outside

vacuum

that nothingness which yes of course we all encounter

she gawped nauseous for air

she breathes paint flaking off walls

thick, heavy, sweet, poisonous

feeling her heart stop 

in bliss

too much blood in her we thought

stale water forcing itself to move

electricity dancing on the surface of a corpse

she could paint exquisitely

stale water forcing

hammering at the ruins

the chalk by the bedside

porous crypt

there God has been silent or meditation ineffective, there she could not hear our screams

there we lay our skin fusing together

working through the pain

fire just about willing itself to live inbetween bursts of resurrection

teeth knotted

cauterisation messy and unstable

i lick the wound to sterilise

we embrace and fuck leaking over each other and screaming steel our teeth

the chalk walls breathing

they’re in there of course

they’re in there watching

in the heart of the shewolf

feral visceral cosmic

ceiling leaking stars

pockmark mirroring stigmata

a cleansing of sorts

she tried to break away from me

i tried to knaw where we were joined

skin blistered in saharan heat

i howl like a poet

she barks like a playwright in the heart of america

cheering endlessly

she said they wanted it darker more magical more meaningful and she kept talking until i couldn’t understand her

there they are again

in the air bubbles under the wallpaper

in the gristle of her joints

in the dregs of the glass where i held her

in the broken space between my bed and my body

over there

different and the same

marble spiral staircase

she crawls down it

plague speckles her footsteps

she’s sick

emaciated

less herself

and i cannot help but take a photograph of her dying.

Caela is a poetry-trained multimedia artist working within liminal experiences of the psyche – her work concerns pain, time, and confusion. She describes herself as a “documentarian of motion”, which she elaborates is about finding the four-dimensional aspects of our reality through topological and psychedelic exploration. Her primary work can be found on the Twitter account d0llar_d0llar.“

Painting by Vahid Sharifian,
An Unfinished Love, 2020, acrylic on paper
courtesy of the artist