when I was first introduced to the whole gender conundrum I tested whether or not I might be a boy by letting the end of my vibrator hang from my vagina and fill my panties with purple plastic. so similar. 

to press a button and know, to want to rip through your skin and grow your bones, peel that protective plastic off the mirror and scream the name they don’t call you over and over and over until (s)h/xe appears to stab you through and take your place leaving twenty pounds of flesh rotting on the bathroom floor.

and lately I’ve been wondering
how many pounds of fruit went overripe with rot

on the bathroom floor



can i memorize the curve of your spine,
or would that make me a poet?

b/c i’m sick of boxes and all
the things that aren’t in ’em
but i keep opening them
and holding everything inside
and putting them on shelves
and kicking at them
socked ’til i’m bored
and flipping over on my stomach
instead, touch myself
& fall asleep before i finish.

i have eyes, somehow
and i use them
but like,
my glasses press
too hard on
the spots above my

and i pull at the string
in my underwear
like i’m tearing extraneous cloth
for a tourniquet in
a movie with wounds,
drop it and lose
it in the tangle of
whatever carpets are
made of.

i could talk a bit
about the mechanics
of backs: how
they hurt, straight
or slouched,
they carry, burdened
or down, arms
crossed over breasts
rubbing seemingly
not ever enough
but the skin is red
and muscles sore and
still i want

i grasp the circumference
of your spine
in hand like a handle, bloody,
carting you as a suitcase
down a staircase
and into a large room.
i drop you by the door
crumpled, take the stage
and talk for hours
on companionship.

Alexis Diano Sikorski is a queer Filipino-American seeking balance and good vibes. Her work has appeared in The Collapsar, Moonchild Magazine, Vagabond City, Bombus Press, Queen Mobs Teahouse, Sigma Tau Delta’s The Rectangle, and more. She likes dogs, looking out of windows on airplanes, and things that may or may not exist. She was probably a sailor in a past life. Twitter: @Sikorskidear

Image: Nineteen… Twenty… Surprise! by Kat Northern Lights Man (Creative Commons)