biting the inside of my mouth i am more gum than smile, because even on the internet i don’t know how to say no in the breathless space of a text message

epidermal promises

a thick layer of concealer tastes like vanilla frosting smeared across my fingers. the screen
lights up like a birthday candle, the warmth within an inch of my breath, something melting in a
blur of light that spreads across the surface of the darkness, my pupils unable to pinpoint what
kind of artificiality it is. my fingers stick to the screen. staring at the beige with lead blemishes
the texture of my skin with a buttery soft, malleable layer of the same color wrapped around me
in my bed. biting the inside of my mouth i am more gum than smile, because even on the
internet i don’t know how to say no in the breathless space of a text message. i try to think about
anything other than the color of my lips.

*

artificially flavored dixie cup

i wanted alcohol and blood stains: that quality that never seems to dry, the metallic mineral
taste, the smell of rot in liquid form. fruit that’s liquid and smooth. i wanted bad skin and the
pharmaceutical bittersweet of cherry sleep syrup. i’m tired of saccharine. how fruit punch is a
combination of artificial flavors into something that doesn’t exist. empty calories, the red dixie
cup in my hand. the bubbly plastic taste, sticky soda bruises on my knuckles. i bite my tongue
until i taste gum.

the strawberry gel-like fruit uniformly one color and texture, melting into syrup like blood,
something that shouldn’t taste sweet, peanut butter sticking to the roof of my mouth. i can taste
a layer of jam in the bread getting slightly soggy, as if it was raw. the bread, toasted but not
warm. it’s sweet and disgusting, the way i can’t tell what i’m tasting.

the modular triangle of beverage inspired e-cigarette flavoring that i couldn’t smell, wanting to
want the smoke in my lungs. the chloriney rawness of tap water that seems to fade grey in the
faucet, air and saliva turning chewed gum into concrete. leaning in like it was my friend’s vape,
the girl who smelled like caffeine and bubblegum pink lemonade. or blue raspberry starburst
cola, sour gummi bear, strawberry coconut cream milkshake, caramel tobacco. american mint.

on the surface of the air the first thing i always taste is sugar, the way it makes things clear &
permament.

***

Stevie Aechelimi Spikes writes weird fiction & diaristic prose about aesthetics and trends, diet culture in the things you do that disgust yourself on their substack, Crusty Nutella.  The color of their room is mold pink.